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"He'll Kick You Apart, He'll Kick You Apart"

weirdest weekend EVER.
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suckling sticky sweet dreams as from a fuzzy mother peach and you painted your promise on my soul with winter words in lemon juice and they faded from my memory but when they faded again i could summer see they still were true
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i don't mind you fucking other people so long as you don't bring home anything that begins with the letter "h" (hickeys inclusive)... or "c".
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worst hospital stay ever.

5 days in mass general. 6 floors down from where i used to work. in neurology.

sorry if i blew you off this week.

caught strep throat there to boot.

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Six months clean!!

And not looking back.

Despite the difficulties in my life I now have a lot of things I didn't have (or had forgotten about) six months ago. Thanks to everyone that was supportive. I'm very happy and have been, with the exception of the first few weeks of withdrawals, not on any meds for anxiety or depression or anything like that. And I have medical support so that I don't have to self medicate with alcohol with the going gets rough. As much as I like to party, I really have to take care of my body. In any case, thank you, for anything and everything that helped me get through it. I couldn't have done it without you.

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for all the shitty drama that is passing, passing by

i have some beautiful angels in guise of friends that wring gold from garbage and render tolerable weeks past and gently lay the next worth looking forward to

from the core of comfort and contentment, i salute y'all, and i desire nothing

for every little thing i give, i am blessed and bound tenfold, so very free, and i don't need much

and this gypsy lifestyle holds me

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it's just a perfect day
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i'm about to punch mother nature right in the baby-maker.

this first time you come bangkok?! bottoms up!

p.s. there's a few grams of good shrooms and purple haze staring me in the face. (it isn't mine and i won't) there's enough food, guns & gear, and booze in this place for two to survive a long seige. i've shot pistols before, but never a rifle. a deranged buddhist would make a good sniper. hubricon represent. i lost my favourite drinking buddy cos i wouldn't fuck him, and i'm very sad about that. pride smacks, but you're still the biggest, brownest, shittiest asshole ever.

if i'm not back in five minutes, call the police!

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somehow over the last three days i hid a bottle of jack on myself. i just found it, right in time. i refute, once again, that all hard liquors produce the same 'warm feeling'. val's birthday, the st. patrick's day (on which i drank not for my heritage, but for personal reasons) screwed my no drinking streak.

if god wanted us sober, he wouldn't have put liquor stores on His green earth.

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i am sick sick sick.

ugh. so shitty.

and my phone is dead plus i get bad reception here and miss most of my calls.


waiting is hell.

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i think i'll go down there and help properly dispose of the evidence

jorgie, you are so 5th and Hill

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o god. this woman is like anna karenina 35 years later if she hadn't thrown herself under that train.

on a less bitter note:

'I almost grudgefucked the shit out of a midget once.'

concerning the advertisment:

LetsGoGetStoned8: i tell you i saw a pic of a guy in a giant turd suit?
siddhiajna: no!
siddhiajna: where?
LetsGoGetStoned8: haha i duno sowhere random on the internet
LetsGoGetStoned8: mabey found photos
siddhiajna: im gonna try and find it
siddhiajna: google poop suit
LetsGoGetStoned8: those word look really good together
siddhiajna: yes they do
siddhiajna: im gonna look up shit suit instead


yes, there is something seriously wrong with our species.

siddhiajna: we've hit a societal brick wall and consequently and evolutionary one, and we dont know what to do with ourselves.
LetsGoGetStoned8: fuckin a
LetsGoGetStoned8: so we blow things up
LetsGoGetStoned8: and jum off of bridges
LetsGoGetStoned8: watch tv
siddhiajna: im aiming to do both
siddhiajna: all three
siddhiajna: you
siddhiajna: re
siddhiajna: ona roll
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woke up and wondered if this is true:

if a person is nuts they either know they are nuts, or think they are not nuts. they don't sit on a fence about it.

again. i am a blossoming buddha of noble truths #1 & #3. i do not mean this. i do mean this. i try my best to not live truth #4 due to complete ignorance of truth #2. skipping straight to truth #4 and fall back to #3 because i tell myself i'm getting holy already. i belong to a four step program. one breath. at a time. (buddhist joke.)[[.*only, finding god is the last step, and you might not even get there in this lifetime. god, i fucking miss chez. for all her darkness, was all her fucking faith and sunshine.]] like a movie repeating over and over and over again. i cop. i cop out. you're not a cop, are you?

you always knew pretty girls don't go to the bathroom. and before showeing you still waterproof your hustler with that stuff you spray on your boots before hiking. don't you?

i think it says something about how we use our universe's lifetime of preparation for our evolution and making this photograph took up someone's precious time. and it says something about me that i laughed at it. but then again i laugh at many things.*


tell me what's wrong with this picture and i'll

on the bus she thought:

making love in nature is a natural remedy for a lame sex drive.

and i walked for over a mile, smoked my first joint-by-the-river of the season. and was very tired on the way back, today was another good day. it is difficult to believe i walked across a frozen walden pond only a few weeks ago. the wind was warm blowing in the window to greet me this morning. today was another good day.

beautiful. beautiful.

if schizophrenia were bliss. beautiful white-skinned lizard ladies from eastern europe before the war would serve coffee and a half-tit in the evening. and this would be our gothic castle. radioactive insects on motorcycles tourney this sunday. zen and the art of war. like the vikings. go naked into battle shrooming and kill for the love of killing.

still. there's no battle in me that could ever hurt you. i spray my boots with sin-proofer.

i question my own existence, but far be it from me to question yours.

a luz. cuando dentro. llevas una estrella.

for i am breaking all my rules.

you know the games i love.
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i owe a big thank you to everyone that's been in touch and been supportive lately. i'm doing so much better. i apologize if i haven't kept plans well or that my phone has been dead while i was in the hospital and i've been staying with a friend. i check my e-mail every few days- and i'm going to find my phone charger today or get a new one.

i dreamed of giant desert flowers (the non-carnivorous kind) and had so much energy to jump around and adventure that it was disappointing to awake into my sore energy-lacking body. except for the part with the sandstorm and that weird guy filling my mouth up with sand, it was very cool. when we got to the site where it was found, i rang the bell. and i knew that it should only be rung once and i protected it from all those would-be bell ringing fools.

happy end to daylight savings.

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when you are a man
sometimes you wear stretchy pants
in your room
just for fun

this morning i informed the person beside whom i awoke that 'i am delightfully intoxicated' and then went back to sleep until late in the afternoon. i don't recall this, but i'm still glad it happened.

the best part is that i wasn't on anything. but i am still in a fantastic fucking mood for my pain level which is inversely proportionate to my energy level.

perfect day. may be habit forming.

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days and days of debauchery, followed by days and days of sleep. i have a rash on my face again. i know you're looking at it. its not so bad, but i would love for it to go away.

some people can see the irony but continue existing in it as if they didn't know about it. and some just have to step back and watch it all go down. some people have to file a report about it.

i'm going to trip and make love come the spring beltane. i haven't done either in far too long.

soooo far, so gooood.

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i decided to take a vow of silence.

but then the phone rang and i had to take it.

(no i don't have text or AIM)

o my. life is fucking joke whether you're laughing or not.

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no more pain killers. no more western medicine. i really think its possible to work this out if i don't get complacent and give up. the malfunction is deeper than flesh, and i can at least use what mental and physical faculty i have to change my attitude that this situation constitues irreparability. or at the very least i won't sell out. that which seemed like such terrible effort a few days ago has become easier just by virtue of proving to myself that i can take it. i thought that i had lost this sense of how the universe works for good. but no! and writing writing writing. i can finish this book.


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bad pain
bad news

good dilaudid
good friends
good music
o my

no regular internet access... use my phone 781 330 1568
and a thank you to everyone i've got mail from. i've been sick and lonsome.

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i've never had anything turn irretreivable like this. oh no. i didn't make a backup of the writing i was working on, or if i did, i can't find it.

in any case. i'm not dead. or incarcerated. and i'm not using heroin.

i've been sick and working and tired and moving. my interntet connection has been fucked up and when i get home from work 8am i am usually down for the count until 8pm when i go back to work. i thought plenty about what it would be like to work in health care and actually be taking care of people, not working behind the scenes. i'm still surprised at my ability to work with people. i have time off this week. i think i need to find a different job. this place dicked me around 2 weeks before i got paid and my check was short 18 hours pay and i'm making 2 dollars less an hour than they advertised for, than i signed up for. i need to go back to school and earn my stripes so i don't have to deal with this kind of crap. in the fall, if everythings still going ok. its depressing to make plans i may not be able to keep. even after some time off, and looking forward to more, i'm so fucking tired.
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