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this journal consists of many friends' only posts

comment if you wish to be livejournal pals

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My internet connection is finally up and not crapping out on me every few minutes. I hope everyone has been well, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch w/ folks I don't see/talk to by phone. I have a great deal to do these days between writing and my fish business. I breed fish and live fish food, now. These tasks take up the majority of my time, and I'm constantly expanding. Eventually, I hope to open up a specialty shop- one with proper ecological and humane practices as an alternative to the pet shops. Fish are one of the only pets for whom it is possible create a mini ecosystem with healthy values that are measurable and easily definable. I, as well as some other biochem savvy aquarium-keeping folk are working on compiling list of the environments necessary to keep particular fish and groups of fish. The info given out at your regular PetCo and PetSmart and unfortunately also most privately-owned shops are incorrect and dangerous to your fish. I began by "rescuing" some pet fish that were not being properly kept, and have since learned how too keep eco-friendly aquariums. I am mostly focused on the betta species- not only the betta splendens, but also many other bettas whose natural habitats are vanishing. Since so little is known about many of them, they are not often bred successfully in captivity, but people who find how to keep them properly have no trouble breeding them. I have many rescued fish, though I attempt to re-home most of them once they are healthy again. All of the fish I breed are from other breeders with equally high standards. Here are some photos of my bettas. I will have some available for sale and for free to good homes in 2 months. Talk to you soon!!

Beautiful FishesCollapse )
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cities in which i burned these past eight years

Watertown, MA
Waltham, MA
Boston, MA
Winchendon, MA
Ringe, NH
Naples, ME
Burlington, VT
White River, VT
Montreal, QC
Cocord, NH
Epsom, NH
North Conway, NH
Seabrook, NH
Buffalo, NY
Hartford, CT
Erie, PA
Ft. Douglas, WI
Chicago, IL
River Forest, IL
Oak Park, IL
Wall, SD
Ann Arbor, MI
Denver, CO
Toronto, ON
Ten Sleep, WY
Bozeman, MT
Olympia, WA
Portland, OR
Eugene, OR
Caramel, CA
Big Sur, CA
San Francisco, CA
San Jose, CA
Berkeley, CA
Oakland, CA
Los Angeles, CA
Tijuana, Baja
Mexico City
Phoenix, AZ
Scottsdale, AZ
Grapevine, TX
Dallas, TX
Atlanta, GA
Port Angeles, WA
Vancouver, BC
Victoria, BC
Rainier, WA
Tacoma, WA
Shelton, WA
Seattle, WA
Brighton, MA

one addiction I hope never to kick is wanderlust. 
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what kind of party is this?  there's no booze and only one hooker!

The Robot&The Devil:
Just tell me why...
Check out this 55-page warrant.
There must be robots worse than I...
We've checked it out; there really aren't.
Then please let me explain,
My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks...
You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!
Ah, don't blame me;
Blame my upbringing!
Please stop sinning while I'm singing!

The Friend&The Temptress:
I don't feel well...
It's up to us to rescue him.
Maybe he likes it here in Hell...
It's I who tempted him to sin.
Maybe he's back at the motel...

The Devil:
Fencing diamonds,
Fixing cockfights,
Publishing indecent magazines,
You'll pay for every crime,
Knee-deep in electric slime,
You'll suffer till the end of time,
Enduring tortures (which all rhyme)
Trapped forever here
 in Robot Hell!
-Robot Hell
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the dragging of the day.  i want to find a job where i am allowed to write in my down time.  it infuriates me that when there is absolutely nothing to do at work the find something unnecessary.  when i finished a project that took me six hours to do, they had another person begin doing it as i was leaving.  i won't even get credit for doing it right because someone else did it last.  what a waste of human energy.  if my health were better i'd join something like the peace corps.  i'd work myself to death if it could undo some of the evil the united states government does in the name of its people.  i wouldn't lift a hair on my left little toe to line the pockets of rich repulicans with more benjamins, but i'd die to put some food on a the plates of the orphans of our pointlessly aggressive foreign negotiations. at least that way my life would mean something.  whether i live humbly for a cause or die for it, at least i will do one unselfish thing to give my life meaning. all i see is abuse of power, and misuse of policy.  whether it is my stupid little job in my insignificant little life, or things that will probably destroy our homeostatic little rock.
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My new project:

To knit a scale Dr. Who scarf...  that's 11 in. by 21 ft! 

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I think this is a very cool video. Its only a few seconds long and worth watching.

video: 罕见!生物学家眼中的外星生物

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I have an interview tomorrow for a $40,000/year salary job as an office administrator for a condominium site in Watertown. If I could do something like that for a few years and really put money away, I'd have so many more options. Wishh me luck.
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i doubt i'll ever be a deeply religious person, but there are certain people whose fervor inspires me (and many more that make me wish i were deaf). i've read the main religious texts, wrote my thesis on 'evolutionary psychology: the biology of belief', read every comparative religion text in the late 'great books'. i have neither right nor reason to feel important about any of that, i'm only noting that i'm not entirely ignorant on the subject. i'm an agnostic, not an athiest. what do i think jesus would do if he were alive today? he'd probably vomit. but, still, as much as she rambles, i love to hear janet speak about how she truly feels that she was saved by god. and i try, i try hard to recall a time before i thought of god as an imaginary friend for overgrown children.
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i hope that soon i will post more. presently i am writing for a magazine- it is not a paying job, its more of a charitable donation. i suppose in a way it is also self-serving. and i have been busy really getting my mind and my life together. when i am not in pain, or sick, i am content. i am content with taking this time to figure things out, and try as i may to explain why that makes it so difficult to get online and say something more often- i just haven't been able to. that explaination will have to suffice.

anyway- i'm checking my e-mail more and making plans for the future. i would like to see everybody who's near by, and to hear from the ones with far away eyes.

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i dreamed that i was a different person / a woman dressed in a suit jacket and a skirt / walking home from work / i encountered some kids / probably 4th or 5th graders / that made fun of me / we were somehow thrown through a portal into the future / we lived in what we thought was the distant future for quite a while / it was dark dreary and frightening / i looked after the children / we aged several years and the dream really seemed to last that long / we slept in a place that once a theater / eventually i figured out how to get back to our proper time and former ages / one of the grown-up girl children had fallen in love and decided to stay in this parallel dimension / she knew there would be no way to return / in the end we made it back and we all ate cake / it was one of my very few dreams that actually came to an end / right before i awoke
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frantic mindless joyous painful
dance of life in precarious balance are we
of the 100 trillion cells inside each human being
only ten per cent are human
trichophyton- filamentous parasitic microbes
lactobacillus vaginal flora
(a woman being being vaginal fauna) hunting
on intestinal nude beaches
crowding out the hostile factions
weighing about three-point-three pounds
inside the human gut
heroic bacteria, villainous bacteria,
biotic and viral heritage
fossils like pteradactyl bones
parasitical viral self-replicating genetic components
that have evolved with us
probiotic berry breakfast
savior of white blood cells that die for the human host
only to be spit out unceremoniously as pus and mucous
flavour that indicates healing that indicates disease
acidolophus life is death of opportunist judas candida
evidence of subcutaneous penetrating viral kiss of death
soothing orange flavoured warmth and icy relief
life-affirming ice cream and flavoured lidocaine
steaming morning mojo tea meets neurological networks to
soothe red raw aching burning
until murderous peeeenis-cilin becomes
death of streptococcus
and fever dreams like a glimpse of childhood
wearing naught but cool clean sheets and rising sunshine
awakening well with a warm wind kissing my bare skin in the morning

and then i think...
every one of these cells supports the balance of my body
and my brain
producer of my mind
home of my soul
(or maybe not, but i like to think of it that way)
and, really, one hundred per cent of these cells are human
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in the past nine months i've forced myself through painful and significant changes. i've learned to reckon with aspects of myself that i used to hide from others because i found them to be shameful, or at least less interesting or romantic or likeable than what i chose to share. for quite some time, my lifestyle and then my grief, did not require me to put on any kind of face for the world, and i avoided anyone before whom i felt shame. then suddenly i awoke to find that i required human interaction in order to survive this. i've learned to face, with all my shame, the parts of my self that i could no longer live with. i made a choice: to either change or to die trying. i learned to share both of these once-seemingly-undesirable parts of myself with my dear ones, knowing that it may be social suicide, because whether or not i made it to the other side, i did not want to leave this world in a state of dishonesty with the people i love. what i discovered was that the people who had always counted were waiting there for me. i discovered that i could still love, and that one who had seen the ugliest depths of my darkness could still love me. through the lens of love, what i considered to be blindingly ugly did not completely obscure that which was worth saving, even in the worst of times.

as i read over my old journals, many of my thoughts from years ago still stand true... but the love that i share with others now is so much more pure. i wear the the ugly as well as the more decorative parts of who i am, for they are both honest representations of the person i have come to be through all my experience. i wish that you could have heard the good new with me. jito described this situation as being similar to walking away from a horrendous car accident no one should have survived, without a scratch. what i thought silently to myself was, i am happy he, at least, did not know the passengers who were not so lucky.

i wrote the following in 2004, and even though i have had people in my life since i wished for this who certainly meet the criteria, the sentiment still stands... you can never use too many wonderful people in your life. people who truly know one another. even though i no longer try to present myself as a person that is only the self-seeming "good" part, its easier to be whole in public now i have lot less to be ashamed of. even if i can't forget the darkness that's tattooed on my heart and soul. i wouldn't want to forget.

it would be nice to have reasonable, honest, unpretentious communication with one other person, and really get to know them. (not in a group. i rarely enjoy large groups of people for an extended period of time.) i'd like to be able to trust someone else implicitly. to be able to express myself honestly, and openly. to say what i'm thinking, how i'm feeling, to share comfortable silence with someone who isn't trying to impress me. i understand that sexual attraction is a natural part of interactions, and i don't think asking a person to suppress it is natural or healthy or good for relationships- but it would be nice to not have the the interaction exist primarily because i'm a potential mate. it's important to be honest about such things without someone assuming that i'm coming on to them, or the opposite. i don't know why human beings like to communicate, to interact- but i know that i want to communicate (even though i'm not sure why). i'd like to not go to the bar. i'd like to go hiking. or maybe sit downtown by the water. i spend an awful lot of time by myself, and when i'm not alone, i'm often with a group of people who are doing something i'm not really into. the latter usually makes for a more lonesome me than the former. this sounds like a personals ad, but i'm being earnest. i just want to have a comfortable friendship with another human being so that when i'm in the kind of mood i'm in right now, i can call them and they'll know who they're talking to- and i'll know who i'm talking to.
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accept this horrible possibility. hubris amalgamated. indistinct ghost-images of historical highway signs. dreams like maps, X marking days like trap doors. necessity reduced to its lowest terms. megalomaniacle urge to survive, instinct perverted by conditions in the overpopulated monkey hives we call cities. hanging on the edge of our human hangup: the unwillingness to compromise a comfortable lifestyle. so you're willing to die in battle, but won't give up your right to luxury. doubt and more doubt. i do not criticize you, for i am the same. who is it that does not partake in those cost-free comforts handed them? we are products of our environment and our environment is a product of us.

i do not think human kind is getting back its security deposit.

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nazi scientists discovered space worms, and employed them to weaken the allied forces. the space worms then freed themselves and returned to space in order to plot their vendetta. the space worms may be nearly microscopic, but they are super intelligent.
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At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May this year, the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07 This (in our lifetime) will never happen again.

The 6th of May is also part of Beltane, according to some calendars.

Haiku2 for maybeimamazed
in this place for two
to survive a long seige i've
shot pistols before
Created by Grahame
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Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little his despair over his fate... but with his other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins.
Franz Kafka

first, one could peer inside a room to see that which we have wasted in this life, for the physical objects alone, this room would be a large one. second, one could see the room of a one who hadn't the privilege to waste.

would this comparison crush you, or could you go on normally, seeing what you know to be true, without having to see?

my pain is the pain of the earth, and the pain of the earth includes the pain of every living thing on this earth. i am this pain. and then i am nothing.

intensive work on writing begins today. dedicated to the memory of Chesleigh Marie Pafford.
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if i could accurately define 'hallicination', i could accurately define reality.

i do not believe either is possible.

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another day another cliche

someone asked me about the fucking cup being half-empty or full

and i told them that i drank it all, the cup of opportunity and excess. and now i have the worst sort of hangover known to human kind.

i'm cold. and there are wolves after me.

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never go on a fishing trip with a mobster.
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there ought to be a word for memories that deny themselves.
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these quiet little moods in which i relive moments with trap doors in them. angry little decisions like time bombs. explosions that seem beautiful from far away. explosions that seem beautiful in print. but its hard to see who has made it out alive, and how badly they were burned, in silhouette against the flames. i'm such a child. none of these possibilities seemed the least bit important to me until i knew they could not be saved.
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