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one more robot wants to be something more than a machine

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in the past nine months i've forced myself through painful and significant changes. i've learned to reckon with aspects of myself that i used to hide from others because i found them to be shameful, or at least less interesting or romantic or likeable than what i chose to share. for quite some time, my lifestyle and then my grief, did not require me to put on any kind of face for the world, and i avoided anyone before whom i felt shame. then suddenly i awoke to find that i required human interaction in order to survive this. i've learned to face, with all my shame, the parts of my self that i could no longer live with. i made a choice: to either change or to die trying. i learned to share both of these once-seemingly-undesirable parts of myself with my dear ones, knowing that it may be social suicide, because whether or not i made it to the other side, i did not want to leave this world in a state of dishonesty with the people i love. what i discovered was that the people who had always counted were waiting there for me. i discovered that i could still love, and that one who had seen the ugliest depths of my darkness could still love me. through the lens of love, what i considered to be blindingly ugly did not completely obscure that which was worth saving, even in the worst of times.

as i read over my old journals, many of my thoughts from years ago still stand true... but the love that i share with others now is so much more pure. i wear the the ugly as well as the more decorative parts of who i am, for they are both honest representations of the person i have come to be through all my experience. i wish that you could have heard the good new with me. jito described this situation as being similar to walking away from a horrendous car accident no one should have survived, without a scratch. what i thought silently to myself was, i am happy he, at least, did not know the passengers who were not so lucky.

i wrote the following in 2004, and even though i have had people in my life since i wished for this who certainly meet the criteria, the sentiment still stands... you can never use too many wonderful people in your life. people who truly know one another. even though i no longer try to present myself as a person that is only the self-seeming "good" part, its easier to be whole in public now i have lot less to be ashamed of. even if i can't forget the darkness that's tattooed on my heart and soul. i wouldn't want to forget.

it would be nice to have reasonable, honest, unpretentious communication with one other person, and really get to know them. (not in a group. i rarely enjoy large groups of people for an extended period of time.) i'd like to be able to trust someone else implicitly. to be able to express myself honestly, and openly. to say what i'm thinking, how i'm feeling, to share comfortable silence with someone who isn't trying to impress me. i understand that sexual attraction is a natural part of interactions, and i don't think asking a person to suppress it is natural or healthy or good for relationships- but it would be nice to not have the the interaction exist primarily because i'm a potential mate. it's important to be honest about such things without someone assuming that i'm coming on to them, or the opposite. i don't know why human beings like to communicate, to interact- but i know that i want to communicate (even though i'm not sure why). i'd like to not go to the bar. i'd like to go hiking. or maybe sit downtown by the water. i spend an awful lot of time by myself, and when i'm not alone, i'm often with a group of people who are doing something i'm not really into. the latter usually makes for a more lonesome me than the former. this sounds like a personals ad, but i'm being earnest. i just want to have a comfortable friendship with another human being so that when i'm in the kind of mood i'm in right now, i can call them and they'll know who they're talking to- and i'll know who i'm talking to.
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On May 22nd, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC), frodd commented:
because i'm a potential mate.
that's is what i am. not a sexual object, but a pal. BUT the best feeling i ve ever had - i don't take BEING HIGH in concern - was just sitting with a girl and looking at each other silent.....
maybe touchig her fingers
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On May 23rd, 2007 12:33 am (UTC), maybeimamazed replied:
Re: because i'm a potential mate.
i meant "potential mate" as "sexual mate" at the time... such phrases=semantic quagmire... i used to like to be alone all the time, and i still enjoy solitude, but i don't think there's any such thing as too many people in my life with whom i can enjoy an honest conversation, or a comortable silence, or with whom i can just lay side-by-side with an not be expected to fuck or make love... i wrote a love story once about someone i held hands with one night in a car, had a single, simple, brief conversation with a year later, and never saw again. one of my favourite memories. the best kind of feelings. a unique and pure kind of loving.

i barely know you but i already think you're beautiful.
On May 23rd, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC), frodd replied:
Re: because i'm a potential mate.
First of all thnx for ur compliment) cheeks go red - wow- i hope i won't become a beetroot-coloured)))))
I used to be always in company and lots with the so called companians in getting high.I like to be alone now. i'm never bored in solitary solitude.....and i still hope i'll meet someone to hold a hand.
thnx for the term - semantic quagmire -lol linguistics is my profession and i'm forgetting all i did study)))))
i write lil' stories but in russian, and i don't feel i can make it sound like i desire in english - maybe i'll try but i don't want to be it a poor english sketch*)
thnx for your attention and chatting me)
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